I Rot For You

I shouldn't be writing this.
I shouldn't still want you.
But I do.
God help me, I do.
If you were here,
I'd tell you the truth.
The kind you'd never let yourself hear.

I want you.
God, I need you.
Not the way I should,
not the way that keeps me whole
I want you in the way that burns me alive.

I ruined myself for you.
And I'd do it again.
I tore my life apart with steady hands, setting fire to everything I was supposed to protect.
A marriage, a name,
a life built on vows I couldn't keep because every time you touched me, I forgot how to breathe.

You fucked me like you loved me.
And I let myself believe it.
Because with you... it wasn't just sex.
It was surrender.
It was chaos.
It was a hunger so violent
I stopped recognizing myself.
You made me forget who I was.
You made me believe I was yours.
And now, you despise me.
You hate the weight of what we were.

But I...
I would still crawl to you in the dark,
bare knees on cold floors, just to feel you inside me
once more.
Even if it killed me.

I wake drowning in the memory of your hands.
The weight of you.
The laughter tangled in sweat soaked sheets.
The madness of wanting more, always more,
knowing you would never stay.

You are the ghost that keeps my lungs burning.
The hunger that eats me alive.
The punishment I chose and cannot release.

I hate you.
I love you.
I ache for you. I rot for you.
And no matter where I go, I carry the ruin of us, the ache of a door I can never close, and a man I will never have.